So, in order to take a break from the whirlwind of making contacts and bringing in new jobs, I have been thinking about how to handle that feeling of being lost and overwhelmed...
These are my top tips for finding a way through the woods in order to see the trees that are all around you...
1) Take one day at a time...what can you do today that will help you along your journey? What call can you make? What email can you send? What boring chore can you tick off the list? What friend can you chat to? Find one thing that you can do that will give you a sense of having achieved something, even if it is really little. This gives you a sense of purpose and a sense of motivation to keep going because you will be moving forward and going forward is better for your mind and wellbeing than standing still when you are lost.
2) Review where you are going and know why you are going there...you need to know why you are doing what you have chosen to do. Does it still fit? Are you still sure of your choices? Is there a better alternative that has come up? Is there something you would rather do? Have your choices got you nearer to your goal or further away? Do you know what your goal looks like? How can you rectify this? Look carefully at your journey so far and see if it is still on track to bring you the life that you want. If it is, then no matter how difficult things get you will be motivated by the knowledge that you have a reason to keep going and a goal in mind that inspires you. Without a reason to carry on in any direction, it can be extremely difficult to cope with any sudden changes or brick walls that you might come up against (and we all do!). Remember too that being lost can be a good way to find new pathways...
3) Appreciate where you are...many decisions led to where you currently are, perhaps some of them weren't yours and the only decision you had was whether to love it or hate it, but each situation brings at least the choice of how to handle it. The decisions you have made may have scared you, excited you, worried you or inspired you but they have made you the person you are today and it's important to recognise that you have done the best given the circumstances you are in. No one does anything that they don't have good reasons for at the time - appreciate that you are the same, you've been doing the best you can.
4) Find your inner strength...The hardest times for me have also been the times when I have found a strength I never thought I possessed. The times when you may have been lost completely, when you may have drowned in the worry or the despair...but you made it through...those are the things that show you how much you are capable of experiencing and still coming back from. Finding that strength might come in the form of just giving yourself permission to be powerful enough to state who you are and what you want and carrying it through. It might come from knowing that you are loved and that love allows and helps you, to be strong. It might just come from reading something that reminds you who you are, what you can do, how brilliant you can be. Sometimes it comes from asking for help, for being courageous enough to admit that you can no longer do it alone and allowing people to help you. Whatever you need in order to find your inner strength you are worthy of it, you are allowed to feel happy even if others are not when they see that you are changing your world. It's ok to be who you are.
5) This is a tricky one...and it's...knowing that you are not responsible for the happiness of anyone else, including your children...controversial I know. When your children are still children (and even when they are adults) they need you, they rely on you. You are there to care for them, love them and raise them in the best way you know how. A parent is there to show a child how to relate to the world, how to find their way in the world and to love them and nurture them. If you show a child that it is ok to be unhappy as long as someone else is happy you teach them that their needs are not as important as the needs of others.
To sacrifice something you truly want and would truly give you a sense of deep happiness, so that your child will not have to experience any change or disruption is simply unhappiness waiting to seep into the corners of the lives involved and leave a mark that will be hard to erase. I'm pretty sure that this is not good for children. I have always put my son's happiness before my own and felt adamant that I was being the best mother possible in doing so. Now, I'm not so sure...I'm not sure that putting my own wants and dreams on the backburner has been good for him at all, despite the fact that I tried to hide every worry or stress or negative fleeting emotion from him he still sensed that I was not enjoying life much. Children are clever, they know you as well as you know them, they sense the slightest change, the smallest look of worry in your eyes and they love you as you love them. Even if they cannot voice it or are not mature enough to put a name to it, they want you to be happy in life. Think of your own parents and remember how you would maybe catch them looking sad and desperately wish you knew how to make it better or how you felt sad just being around them even if they didn't look all that sad - as though the sadness was catching.
I once told my son, that if your soul cries out for something that you are giving up and your heart feels heavy when you walk away then you have made the wrong decision. It is a sure sign that you have sacrificed your happiness for the sake of another and eventually, the other will know or sense it, they will feel the weight of your sacrifice on their shoulders and instead of at least one person getting what they want, no one will. If you would be happier to make the decision not to do something, because you feel it might upset another, then give up what you wanted willingly, happily, peacefully and with a smile on your face or not at all.
I hope that my son will feel that I am his safe haven when he is older, but I also hope that he will spread his wings and fly with no regrets and with a heart full of anticipation...he is not mine to own or control, only my utter delight to love and nuture. I love him with every step I take and every step has him in mind, but that includes the knowledge that if I am generally miserable, or even just have an ensuring sense of dissatisfaction (we are not talking about the odd bout of unhappiness, we all have those) then it will seep into him too. If I am being true to myself I will be seeping joy and excitement and authenticity into his life instead. I will be teaching him that it is ok to follow his own truth. Of course the caveat to this is that your happiness is not more important than keeping your child safe, healthy and loved - would you really be happy if any of those things were put at risk anyway? Of course not. If they are safe, they are healthy and they are loved and know that they are loved then go ahead, be happy, make changes, help them feel excited about the changes, reassured about them and then go for it!!!
I offer one other caveat: sacrifice is a beautiful thing if it is done in the spirit of loving contentment. I definitely would sacrifice my life, my happiness, my everything for someone I love, especially for my son...I would do it in a heartbeat if I thought that it would lead to happiness or safety for him or for them. Just be sure that you do not misplace the idea of 'happiness' with the thought that you can stop your own soul calling you back to where you need to be...if where you need to be is in a place of loving sacrifice, you will feel at peace with your decision. If you know that your soul will ache at your sacrifice then you have not really served another's happiness at all, you have handed them a time bomb.
Be happy...
Love Nova xxx
