Can Life Coaching Help Depression?

 

'I can't explain it, I just feel like my world has fallen apart'

These were the words I kept uttering when I had Post Natal Depression. I was able to function through the normal things in life, I still cared for my lovely baby, I still got up and got dressed, I still talked to people but I felt empty inside. It was a huge effort just to exist and I didn't know why I had this feeling that had shut off all light and joy in my world...there was no reason. This lack of a reason made it all the more frustrating to me although I could hardly muster up the energy to feel annoyed by it...it was just there, all the time.

I didn't know what to do to feel better and now I get asked as a Coach 'Can life coaching help depression?'

There are many forms of Depression and they can feel very similar to feelings of Grief and Loss and often in some way they are connected to this, even if at first it is not easy to see why or to attach the feeling of loss to anything in particular.

It takes a lot to work through Depression (it is most definitely 'work') and there are many ways in which this can be achieved depending on the type of person you are and the level at which your depression sits. It also depends upon the resources you have available at your disposal (sadly).

 This post though is not to look at all the ways in which Depression can be helped (maybe a later post will look into this in more detail) or the different types of Depression and how they manifest. This post will concentrate on whether Life Coaching can help with Depression - it is specifically for those with Depression (or feelings of pervasive sadness and low mood) who are already asking that question (in which case the answer is almost always 'yes') or for those who are Coaches and want to find the answer in order to best advise their clients as to whether they can help. 

For many people Life Coaching techniques are an excellent way to move past Depression - because they are forward focused and anchored firmly in the present they can quickly break the cycle and leave the client with some invaluable insights and tools that can be used again and again to form new behaviours, ways of thinking and solutions.

Recent research has shown that Mindfulness techniques are EQUALLY as good as a two year course of Antidepressants when it comes to effectiveness. See the link here for more information on this study
This is because Mindfulness focuses on the present and keeps a person in the here and now, it also gives you the tools (when combined with CBT) to acknowledge that negative thoughts are a normal part of life and shows you how to be in control of these rather than to spiral into negative thinking overwhelm.

The great news is that Coaching is all based in the here and now and very often many practitioners will use Mindfulness techniques within their repertoire of skills, especially with a client who comes with the issue of Depression.

So what does Coaching do that can help with Depression? 

• It gives you clear and manageable steps towards a new way of thinking that focuses on the positive rather than the negative.

• It creates big shifts internally through clarity and definition that then have a hugely influential effect on how you think and feel.

• It helps you to recognise blind spots and challenges some of your current thinking in a compassionate way.

• It helps you regain motivation and rediscover what you really want from your life and then works on a clear map of how to get you there in a measurable and tangible way.

• It gives you purpose again, shows you how to regain meaning and reminds you of what is truly important to you as an individual.

• It brings enjoyment back into your life and helps you celebrate the victories

The disclaimer here is that you should always consult with a GP if you feel depressed, Coaching is in no way a medical intervention and should not be seen as such. Coaches are not medically trained (unless they state that they are). If you are in any way concerned about yourself or someone you know and feel they may harm themselves you should ALWAYS seek medical advice before anything else.

If you are concerned about Depression or need to check the severity of your Depression there is a test you can take from the NHS in the UK which you can link to here (scroll right to the bottom of the page to access it).

That said, Coaching, although not the only answer and not the answer that suits everyone, can be a very effective way of dealing with Depression.

If you would like to arrange to speak to me further about how Love Living Coaching can help you with Depression please arrange a free consultation via this link or by emailing me on: info@lovelivingevents.co.uk 

I have a very useful tool that may also help which you can download here called

 'Your Ultimate Journey to Dazzling Self Respect'

Love Nova xxx

How Coaching is Different to Counselling and Why I Chose One Over the Other.

One question that I get asked a lot is why Coaching is different to Counselling - or is actually different at all? 

The short answer is that yes, they are different, substantially different in fact and I made a choice to focus on one rather than the other in my own practice for very specific reasons.

I studied Psychology at University and then after graduation I trained for a further three years to become a Psychotherapist.  It was a very rigorous process that rightly explored every aspect of who I was, went through every hidden emotion, every subconscious thought and brought them to the surface to be examined and experienced again. I spent long weekends away with my training group on top of the normal training where we were taught to become comfortable with every possible scenario that might come up in the Client/Therapist relationship.

One memorable time was when we were doing our sexual therapy training and had to ask each other, within a big group setting some of the most intimate questions you could think of - 'How often do you masturbate?' for example, and we had to answer the entire group honestly and openly until everyone knew the most secret parts of your humanity. It was a daunting task but it was perhaps the most valuable training I have ever had (I've had loads!) because it has made me aware of things that in 'normal' life I might never have come across/dared to ask/thought might exist. 

It was exhausting and uncomfortable, I faced up to every weakness, confessed every secret, had my every judgement broken down, confronted all my fears, learned what it felt like to be totally vulnerable and then went to work to build a new me - a stronger me but a me that still had a long way to go and probably a me that felt more frightened of the world than ever before.

The problem I had with Counselling as a profession was that I didn't like how long it took to make huge leaps in the process of change, I felt that it was damaging to hold people in a space where they felt so much pain and suffering and to explore that to deeper and deeper levels. I wasn't sure that there were many people skilled enough, strong enough and mentally robust enough to take someone to a dark place and know how to bring them back again safely.

I also noticed when I was working with some of my clients that Counselling simply served to confirm over and over again to them that they were damaged, that they were incapable of finding solutions for themselves because they had so much going on in their past that was to blame for their current state. Most people didn't want to 'get better' they wanted to be held and to listened to and to be loved. This is a valuable and wonderful thing to be able to give to someone - to give them the space and the time to feel special and worthwhile, but what you want in the end is to move them forwards to feel empowered and free to choose their own emotions and not be beholden to a past that no longer exists. Many people are more frightened of leaving the support of counselling that the number of people who are willing to make changes for themselves with the support of counselling.

Counselling has it's place of course - I myself had to undergo counselling as part of the process of qualifying and again later as an adult I had a short spell of counselling around a specific issue. I found Person Centered Counselling was much more 'me' than Psychodynamic Counselling but neither were as dynamic, as fast acting, as helpful or as empowering as Coaching. It was all helpful though and I still believe that whatever helps is helpful - i.e Do whatever helps you personally.

When I noticed that many people who received counselling did not have a real drive to move forward and did not understand that they themselves were responsible for this movement forward and relied instead on the Therapist to do it for them I became hugely frustrated and despondent with the Counselling world. It didn't suit my values and beliefs or my view of the world so I knew I needed to find something different.

Coaching was very new when I first discovered it, the Life Coaches at the time in the UK were focused on too broad an approach, they tended not to have the depth of training and knowledge that Therapists had, nor did they have the same breadth of experience with a huge variety of issues or problems - some still don't, you don't have to have had any experience or training at all to call yourself a Coach. What happens (which is very similar to Counselling) is that Coaches are people who have gone through issues themselves and realised that they can help others who are not as far along the road as they are now, to feel better and to show them a road map out of the woods that they themselves were once lost in.

This is fantastic if the Coach is focused in this particular niche - if you want to earn more money you need a Coach who has been in a place of no money and found the map to wealth and can clearly explain to you how they got there. What they also need to have however, is a clear understanding of how to listen fully to where you are (because no two people are the same) and apply it to you and your circumstances. Or they need to be really clear on the type of person they can help and not take on those who do not fit this model.

Coaching with the right person, with a very clear idea of who they can help and what knowledge and experience they bring to this process is what you want. Not everyone will agree with me when I say that Coaching requires experience but I believe that it does, especially for someone who has not had any formal training. The great thing is though that we ALL have experience in something - we are all experts at something and Coaching allows you to move forward very quickly with an issue (or several) if you find the person who is an expert in that area(s). Take the Coach who is very intuitive - they may not have gone through a divorce themselves but if their expertise is being highly intuitive they will be able to ask the right questions around where you are and where you want to go and they will sense clearly where you are at every stage of the process and tweak it to be in alignment with your personal progress. You do not need to have had the same experiences to be a Coach in that area, what you need is to be an expert with people and deeply in tune with what they require at every stage. 

So, why did I choose Coaching over Counselling? Because I want to see people move forward, I want to work as an equal partner to them, not to take the role of therapist and client, I want to hold the space for change and nurture that change whilst holding the other person accountable for their own progress in a gentle and non judgmental way.  I also want it to happen quickly for them so they do not become reliant on something (whether a process or a person) outside of themselves, with a clear goal in mind so that it can be measured as to whether the coaching is helpful and whether it produces results. I want people to know their power when they have completed Coaching, not to have just been exposed to their weaknesses. I want people to have an end date in mind and what they would like to have achieved by this end date, I want them to work towards something tangible, not just 'feeling better'.

How is Coaching different to Counselling?

• Coaching is forward thinking and present focused.

• Counselling is past focused

• Coaching is creative and exploratory

• Counselling is reactive and exploratory

• Coaching creates a process where the client is responsible for the results

• Counselling creates a process where the Therapist is responsible for the results

• Coaching is direct and challenging
•  
• Counselling is indirect and challenging

• Coaching is delivered through various different means

• Counselling is always one to one or group

• Coaching is often fun and exciting

• Counselling is often upsetting and draining

• Coaching is fast acting and has a specific end date

• Counselling is at the pace of the client

• Coaching focuses on the how and the when as well as the why.

• Counselling focuses on the why

• Coaching doesn't require any formal training or education

• Counselling requires a long period of in-depth training

• Anyone can become a coach

• Counselling is only open to those who are accepted onto a training course after interview and passing certain criteria and can only be practiced by those who pass the course.

There are many other differences too but these are the main ones. There are also a lot of similarities, both are there to support, nurture, understand and serve others in their journey to be changed by the experience. 

In my opinion, having a mixture of the two, taking the best of both worlds is the perfect scenario for clients. Therapists know how to use an understanding of your past to understand your present and a Coach knows how to affect change from your present to your future. Having both a deep understanding of the human Psyche and an ability to drive the process forward towards tangible results is a winning combination. You don't need to BE both a Therapist and a Coach but it is helpful to have an understanding of the differences and similarities.

I choose to Coach now but my skills as a Therapist will never leave me and they enhance my Coaching no end because I take the best of Therapy and blend it with my Coaching (not take the best of Coaching and blend it with Therapy). The important thing is to know what is right for you? This approach is right for me and for my clients but what is right for one person is not right for another...the only thing I know for sure is why I have made my choices, why you make yours is an entirely different story...

To find out whether my approach of a mixture of Therapy and Coaching is right for you why don't you book a FREE session with me? I give all prospective clients a free 45 min session over Skype or the phone so that we can talk about where you are right now, why you are there and how we might be able to get you to where you really want to be...book your no obligation chat with me using this link http://goo.gl/20DuIE  or by emailing me: info@lovelivingevents.co.uk

I also have a FREE GIFT for you that you can download straight away! You can do some Coaching for yourself in the comfort of your own home by exploring some of your values/beliefs/thoughts and emotions in my FREE workbook 'Your Ultimate Journey to Dazzling Self Respect' 

Love Nova xxx

How to Sack your Emotions and Hire Your Self!

I created and posted this recently...it came to me after I was thinking how often we let our emotions take over our minds and bodies without really even knowing why sometimes. How we find ourselves unable to move forward from emotions or let them go easily.

I have been 'talking' to my emotions for as long as I can remember. I see them as separate from myself and controllable. Not that I don't let them control me sometimes because I do!!

I only realised that 'talking' to my emotions was something that I did when a lovely lady commented on the above quote and said

 'I love the concept that that we can dialogue with our emotions. It's spot on'.

I suddenly thought 'well that's what I do all the time!' and decided that rather than it being a weird thing (which perhaps it is) it was an important tool in self development to be able to separate yourself from your emotions and actually have a conversation with them! 

So here are my tips on how to dialogue with your emotions and how this can help you overcome emotional paralysis.

1) When you feel an emotion, whatever it is, remember that this is not you...this is a reaction that you are having to something real or imagined. The majority of the time it is actually an imagined 'something' that you are reacting to. Sometimes we don't even have any idea what that 'something' even is. That's because we store in our minds the experiences of the past, and develop triggers that can set off an emotion whenever we experience something even vaguely similar to a past event where we felt deep emotion. 

2) When an emotion comes up that is not helpful to you (remember that emotion is an important indicator of what is happening and we want to feel emotions, we just don't want to be held back by them or to get stuck there), acknowledge it. Notice how you are feeling, if you can put a name to the emotion then do 'I am feeling anxious right now'. 

3) Once you have stopped long enough to check in with your emotions and notice that you are feeling 'out of whack' and what form that emotion is taking (faster breathing for example) then it's time to have a chat. Sit comfortably somewhere for a moment and just close your eyes and ask whatever emotion is stopping you in your tracks to make itself known. You might well now feel a more exaggerated form of your emotion, sadder, more anxious, less motivated etc. This is what we want for a short time so go with it.

4) Say hello to your emotion, let it know that you have noticed it and that you are not ignoring it (what we resist, persists). You can literally say 'Hello fear, I see you, I know you are there'. This is the first step in separating yourself from the emotion (remember you are NOT your emotions).

5) Then you want to reassure your emotion by letting the part of you that is allowing this to stay in your experience (because we only experience those emotions that we allow), that it is not needed at the moment. You are glad that your emotions are there to alert you to what is happening around you, or warn you that maybe you are going down a track that you went down before when things didn't go so well but...this time all is ok. You can say 'I hear you but there is no reason for you to be here right now, you are safe, I'm looking out for danger and there is none here, you have done your job, thank you so much, but I let you go now'.

6) Wait until you feel the strength of the emotion lessening and then open your eyes. The emotion may linger for a while but you can keep reassuring in your head that all is well and it will eventually respond to you and disappear. 

You can use this technique any time that you have an emotion that keeps popping up at times when it really doesn't need to and stops you moving forward. Be kind to yourself, you have built these emotional triggers to protect yourself and they can be very helpful indicators but they need an off switch if we are to move forward and not stay stuck in an unhelpful emotion...talk to yourself....take control...you have the power! 

To get my FREE 30 page e-workbook 'Your Ultimate Journey to Dazzling Self Respect' 

please click here 

To book a FREE 30 min Discovery Call and find out how I might be able to help you love your life again please click here 

Love Nova xxx

My letter to you...life does get better

Dearest you,

I hear how you have been finding life frustrating recently, how you have been spending time thinking about how you could improve your life and even wondering sometimes if it is not your life that needs improving but that maybe you yourself are to blame for this life you find yourself in. 

I know that life has stopped feeling enjoyable, that you go through the motions but you are just not 'feeling' it anymore. I know that you want to be that carefree, happy you that you once were, that you can't quite understand where she has gone or why she ever left. I know that you have more to offer than you are able to through your day to day life at the moment, I know that stuck inside you is this caring, full of ideas and full of wisdom and full of joy person who doesn't get listened to much. 

I know that you want to feel like you belong more, just to feel like you belong in your own life would be a nice start...I know that you are losing heart with it all and wondering if it even matters when there is so much else to worry about. I know that you have dreams but you never find the time, money or energy to realise them, in fact you had mostly forgotten them and consigned them to the corner of your mind that you don't go to much called 'if only'. 

I know that you long to feel alive again, to feel loved again, to feel worthwhile again, to feel recognised, part of something, in touch with something larger than the monotony of life as it is at the moment. I know that your soul whispers to you and your heart cries sometimes and wonders why things are as they are. 

I know, I hear you, life can and will get better...I can promise you that.

Love Nova xxx

www.lovelivingevents.co.uk 

info@lovelivingevents.co.uk

Manifesting, Radio Show

It's Monday again! Have a wonderful week!

 

To start you off on a wonderful week ahead here is my last radio show on Manifesting you can now listen to it here on Sound Cloud!

If you enjoyed it then tune in this week for the first in a series on Loving your Life or why not take that step to book a call with me for free to find out how my 'Love your Life' coaching package or my 'Esteem Queen' package might be right for you!

www.lovelivingevents.co.uk
info@lovelivingevents.co.uk

What's the Big Deal about Confidence??

What's the Big Deal About Confidence?

I walked into my first networking event, a shy 21 year old and headed straight for the teas and coffees. My hand shook a little as I tried to pour the hot liquid into a cup and I knew that my nerves were giving me away. I took a quick glance around me and decided to be very brave and head towards someone else standing on their own. I said a quiet 'hi' as I stood alongside her and asked her what she did, she took one look at my youthful (I still looked about 12), scared face and my shaking hands and waved to an imaginary person across the room before making her apologies and moving swiftly away. It destroyed my already wavering confidence and I didn't dare talk to another person that night, busying myself on my phone instead and trying to look important (or about as important as a 12 year old might look in a room full of business owners). The fact was that I didn't feel important, I didn't feel like I belonged there, I didn't feel like anyone would want to talk to me and the events of that night just served to confirm I was right.

I don't recognise that person now, I can't imagine why she had such a hard time talking to new people. These days I have delivered talks to 200 rowdy sixth formers all sat staring at me on a stage, I have worked with high profile businesses and advised them on how to move forward, I have worked with individuals to help them see the amazing person that they are and now I run a business that offers self development events, talks and workshops. I don't always feel confident, no one does...I still feel that girl that I was getting anxious before a meeting or feeling out of her depth and suffering from imposter syndrome...but I can remember that the girl I was, is not who I choose to be now and that I have another 25 years of experience on top to reassure me that things have changed dramatically.

Do you need to wait another 25 years to change how confident you feel? No, of course not. In fact things changed very quickly after that networking event for me, it was a turning point and here are my tips for how you can do the same...

Go easy on yourself – There is nothing intrinsically wrong with who you are, if you are naturally shy that's ok, let that be a part of who you are, start where you are right now. Look at how you would like to be, do you want to be able to talk to new people with confidence, to be able to tell people about who you are or what you do without feeling embarrassed or ashamed? What exactly is it that you want to change? Know that where you are now is the result of what has happened in your life up till now. You are not as confident as you could be because it has served you to be that way. It protected you from difficult situations, it saved you from talking to people you don't like, it has been your friend...but now, perhaps, it is serving you no longer, now it is perhaps holding you back. Say thank you to yourself for the way it has helped you in the past but know that you make a different choice now so that life can develop in the way you want it to.

Know that being confident is ok - For me, a big step forward was realising that I didn't need to be arrogant or boastful in order to appear confident – the people around me that were the most genuine, the most authentic and who were prepared to be vulnerable were also the people that came across as the most confident. Confidence is just about being you, about sharing with others, about listening to others and finding ways to connect that feels comfortable and authentic. I felt much more comfortable about appearing 'confident' when I got out of my head the idea that confident people were also insufferably arrogant!

You don't have to talk to be confident around others - Start by just asking questions, start by listening, be as quiet as you like and just figure out who the person is that you are talking to. You don't need to tell them everything about you, just ask them about who they are until you have an idea of how you can connect to them on a topic or an idea that you feel comfortable discussing. Start small, take props if you need them that you can fall back on when you feel a little anxious, but don't bury yourself, keep your eyes on the room and on the people in it. Look for people who seem a little lost and walk over to them and say something like 'Hi, I haven't been here before have you?'

Remember to be human – sometimes in work situations we assume a professional air that we use as a way to be someone that others will want to invest in. That's ok, it helps sometimes to be behind a professional title, to represent a business or a company instead of ourselves, it can help us to feel more confident. It is also important for confidence overall though, to remember that we are all human. Sometimes it is easier to connect with someone when you are able to add a little bit of yourself into the proceedings. I'm not talking about over sharing or saying something inappropriate to someone you have only just met, but something simple like 'do you fancy sitting down, my feet are killing me' can just break the ice and give the other person the chance to say 'oh me too I've walked all the way here today'...or whatever.

Remember that others successes are not your failures – when we don't feel very confident it's easy to feel that when someone else does well or when someone is good at something, that it is a direct reflection on us. We feel that somehow the fact that they have done well highlights the fact that we are not doing as well ourselves...let this idea go, it only works against you. You haven't failed, you haven't become less because they have become more. In fact, what has happened is that you have highlighted to yourself where you would like to be – this is a great thing! It shows you where to go next, what to work towards and it is a gift to you because it proves that if one human can do it, so can another – you have just been shown proof that it is possible. Just as there is not just one winning lottery ticket, not just one successful business, not just one wonderful marriage, not just one person who changed their life, the person you see being successful is not the only one who can do it – even if it is in the same thing you want to be successful in, there is room for you to do the same.

Find a way to reassure yourself – Facing new or difficult situations is easier when you know that you have found a strategy that works to keep anxiety at bay. I used to feel sick whenever I had to do a talk, go to a place on my own when I didn't know anyone etc. I would actually physically start to feel so sick that I could hardly move. It was a fabulous excuse that my mind made up so that I wouldn't have to face those situations, I could just say I was ill! One day though I was so sick of feeling sick (!) that I purchased some of those pressure point bands that you wear on your wrists and instantly felt better. I began to take them with me wherever I went because I then knew that I had a way of coping with the sick feeling. After a while I never actually needed them but I carried them with me anyway just as reassurance, eventually I forgot all about them and never needed them again. Find your own crutch (a positive one...we are not talking about a crafty vodka every time you meet new people) that you can use for a little while, something that gives you reassurance and then let it go when you are ready.

So what's the big deal about confidence? There isn't one really...it's no big deal. Be you and let others see it, that's all you need to do. The more you let others see you the more they want to be around you and the more others want to be around you the more confident you feel about who you are...no big deal at all. 

If confidence is an issue for you then have a chat with me and let's see if coaching might help...there is no obligation and I might even be able to help in the half hour chat we can have about where you are right now...Book your FREE slot or email: info@lovelivingevents.co.uk

Download my FREE E-Workbook 'Your Ultimate Journey to Dazzling Self Respect'! 

Love Nova xxx