What's the Big Deal about Confidence??

What's the Big Deal About Confidence?

I walked into my first networking event, a shy 21 year old and headed straight for the teas and coffees. My hand shook a little as I tried to pour the hot liquid into a cup and I knew that my nerves were giving me away. I took a quick glance around me and decided to be very brave and head towards someone else standing on their own. I said a quiet 'hi' as I stood alongside her and asked her what she did, she took one look at my youthful (I still looked about 12), scared face and my shaking hands and waved to an imaginary person across the room before making her apologies and moving swiftly away. It destroyed my already wavering confidence and I didn't dare talk to another person that night, busying myself on my phone instead and trying to look important (or about as important as a 12 year old might look in a room full of business owners). The fact was that I didn't feel important, I didn't feel like I belonged there, I didn't feel like anyone would want to talk to me and the events of that night just served to confirm I was right.

I don't recognise that person now, I can't imagine why she had such a hard time talking to new people. These days I have delivered talks to 200 rowdy sixth formers all sat staring at me on a stage, I have worked with high profile businesses and advised them on how to move forward, I have worked with individuals to help them see the amazing person that they are and now I run a business that offers self development events, talks and workshops. I don't always feel confident, no one does...I still feel that girl that I was getting anxious before a meeting or feeling out of her depth and suffering from imposter syndrome...but I can remember that the girl I was, is not who I choose to be now and that I have another 25 years of experience on top to reassure me that things have changed dramatically.

Do you need to wait another 25 years to change how confident you feel? No, of course not. In fact things changed very quickly after that networking event for me, it was a turning point and here are my tips for how you can do the same...

Go easy on yourself – There is nothing intrinsically wrong with who you are, if you are naturally shy that's ok, let that be a part of who you are, start where you are right now. Look at how you would like to be, do you want to be able to talk to new people with confidence, to be able to tell people about who you are or what you do without feeling embarrassed or ashamed? What exactly is it that you want to change? Know that where you are now is the result of what has happened in your life up till now. You are not as confident as you could be because it has served you to be that way. It protected you from difficult situations, it saved you from talking to people you don't like, it has been your friend...but now, perhaps, it is serving you no longer, now it is perhaps holding you back. Say thank you to yourself for the way it has helped you in the past but know that you make a different choice now so that life can develop in the way you want it to.

Know that being confident is ok - For me, a big step forward was realising that I didn't need to be arrogant or boastful in order to appear confident – the people around me that were the most genuine, the most authentic and who were prepared to be vulnerable were also the people that came across as the most confident. Confidence is just about being you, about sharing with others, about listening to others and finding ways to connect that feels comfortable and authentic. I felt much more comfortable about appearing 'confident' when I got out of my head the idea that confident people were also insufferably arrogant!

You don't have to talk to be confident around others - Start by just asking questions, start by listening, be as quiet as you like and just figure out who the person is that you are talking to. You don't need to tell them everything about you, just ask them about who they are until you have an idea of how you can connect to them on a topic or an idea that you feel comfortable discussing. Start small, take props if you need them that you can fall back on when you feel a little anxious, but don't bury yourself, keep your eyes on the room and on the people in it. Look for people who seem a little lost and walk over to them and say something like 'Hi, I haven't been here before have you?'

Remember to be human – sometimes in work situations we assume a professional air that we use as a way to be someone that others will want to invest in. That's ok, it helps sometimes to be behind a professional title, to represent a business or a company instead of ourselves, it can help us to feel more confident. It is also important for confidence overall though, to remember that we are all human. Sometimes it is easier to connect with someone when you are able to add a little bit of yourself into the proceedings. I'm not talking about over sharing or saying something inappropriate to someone you have only just met, but something simple like 'do you fancy sitting down, my feet are killing me' can just break the ice and give the other person the chance to say 'oh me too I've walked all the way here today'...or whatever.

Remember that others successes are not your failures – when we don't feel very confident it's easy to feel that when someone else does well or when someone is good at something, that it is a direct reflection on us. We feel that somehow the fact that they have done well highlights the fact that we are not doing as well ourselves...let this idea go, it only works against you. You haven't failed, you haven't become less because they have become more. In fact, what has happened is that you have highlighted to yourself where you would like to be – this is a great thing! It shows you where to go next, what to work towards and it is a gift to you because it proves that if one human can do it, so can another – you have just been shown proof that it is possible. Just as there is not just one winning lottery ticket, not just one successful business, not just one wonderful marriage, not just one person who changed their life, the person you see being successful is not the only one who can do it – even if it is in the same thing you want to be successful in, there is room for you to do the same.

Find a way to reassure yourself – Facing new or difficult situations is easier when you know that you have found a strategy that works to keep anxiety at bay. I used to feel sick whenever I had to do a talk, go to a place on my own when I didn't know anyone etc. I would actually physically start to feel so sick that I could hardly move. It was a fabulous excuse that my mind made up so that I wouldn't have to face those situations, I could just say I was ill! One day though I was so sick of feeling sick (!) that I purchased some of those pressure point bands that you wear on your wrists and instantly felt better. I began to take them with me wherever I went because I then knew that I had a way of coping with the sick feeling. After a while I never actually needed them but I carried them with me anyway just as reassurance, eventually I forgot all about them and never needed them again. Find your own crutch (a positive one...we are not talking about a crafty vodka every time you meet new people) that you can use for a little while, something that gives you reassurance and then let it go when you are ready.

So what's the big deal about confidence? There isn't one really...it's no big deal. Be you and let others see it, that's all you need to do. The more you let others see you the more they want to be around you and the more others want to be around you the more confident you feel about who you are...no big deal at all. 

If confidence is an issue for you then have a chat with me and let's see if coaching might help...there is no obligation and I might even be able to help in the half hour chat we can have about where you are right now...Book your FREE slot or email: info@lovelivingevents.co.uk

Download my FREE E-Workbook 'Your Ultimate Journey to Dazzling Self Respect'! 

Love Nova xxx