Powerful Exercise to Unleash the Secrets of your Subconscious Inner Circle

Isolation and Loneliness are two major players in the world of mental well being. They can lead to depression without you even noticing sometimes. How can you combat this in a world where we spend a huge amount of time online and in front of a computer? 

The first thing you can do is to bring to the surface your thoughts and feelings about your Inner Circle and then making changes that will support you in your connections and relationships.

Who is in your inner circle and are you nurturing those relationships? 

Here is a simple and peaceful exercise to do to discover who is in your inner circle and what you are feeling about those relationships:

• Make a list of all the people who are in your life currently that you care about. This might be the best friend you only see twice a year but who is still on the end of the phone when you need them, it could be your family members, the person you have never met but who inspires you with their wisdom and their way of being...anyone who is a feature in your life..the good and the bad!

• Go outside and choose a stone, a leaf, a twig....anything you like from nature that you feel in some way represents a person in your inner circle. Think carefully about your choices but don't analyse them at this stage.

• Choose a representation of YOU - a stone that somehow calls to you, a shell, a seed, a flower...whatever  you like. 

• Once you have collected all your representations bring them back inside. Place the representation of you in the centre of an imaginary circle.

• Place all the other 'people' around you wherever you feel is right to put them without thinking too much about it.

Now take a really good look at what you see in front of you. Take each 'person' in turn and note down why you choose that stone/leaf etc to represent them. Is it a dark coloured sharp stone? What does that tell you about the person? Is it a soft, delicate leaf? Why might you have chosen that?

Write down all your observations under their name on a piece of paper.

Now take a look at 'you', examine your representation of yourself in the same way and note down your observations.

Lastly, examine where you have chosen to place each item in relation to you and in relation to each other. What do you notice? Have you placed some very close to you and others further away? Is one object blocking the path of another? What might that mean? Are there some who were placed further away than you consciously might have expected? Are some closer to one another than they are to you?

Really LOOK, really examine what you have represented here because it will tell you a lot about how you are feeling about your inner circle.

Did you discover that you have more people close to you than you thought?
Who would you like to bring closer to you?
Who is so close that they are suffocating?
Who is missing from the inner circle that you would like to be there?

Move things around and see how it feels...bring certain 'people' closer and move others further away. How does it feel now? Better? Less comfortable than you expected? Write down all your observations.

Move everyone into the places that feel the most comfortable to you, the inner circle that you really desire to have. Bring in more objects to represent people you haven't even met yet and place them where you would like them to be.

This is your Inner Circle Goal. Take a photo of it and make a note of the changes that you would like to bring about.

Once you have played with this idea for a while start to think of ways that you can achieve your ideal inner circle by writing down all the actions that would bring you closer to this...as many as you can...make a huge list of ideas!

Each day try to take an action that will bring your ideal inner circle to life.

This is a really powerful exercise and I use this and more in my Positive Potential 10 week programme. If you would like a FREE 30 min session with me to discover more about yourself and how to free yourself from stressful thoughts and feelings please book a time to have your session here

Love Nova xxx

How Much Choice Do We Have Over How We Feel?

More than you might imagine! 

It is the greatest freedom we have as humans, to choose how to feel. It is the freedom that Viktor Frankl talks about in his book 'Man's Search for Meaning' an account of what he learned from his time in a Nazi Concentration Camp.

My favourite quote from the book is:

 'A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom of so many thinkers. The truth - that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.' 

 The salvation of man is through love and in love - that's a bold statement to make isn't it? How do you feel about that? Is it true? Can love save us all from everything?

As a Psychotherapist I have a view that love, in the end, is actually all we should be concerned with - however it HAS to include the love of self - a cliche right? No one can love you until you love yourself is just one of those overused things that we all say 'yeah I know' to in a bored sort of a way.

So what has this got to do with choice over how we feel? 

We all have a choice over whether we will choose a loving thought or a damaging thought and we can start with ourselves here in a very practical way so that we can really examine whether it works or not to always employ love as our first thought.

As an aside 'love' can feel like a very loaded word to some people and you may find that it is uncomfortable to use it - in these cases I ask my clients to use the word 'life' or 'living' as a substitute. So you can ask (for example) 'am I bringing more life to my body/mind/soul?' instead.

So if we can save ourselves (as Frankl believes) through love, from depression, stress and anxiety we need to examine what that might actually look like.

Employing loving thoughts to see you through any difficult period of your life is unbelievably powerful and effective but it doesn't start and end with muttering 'I love myself' now and again in an attempt to fool your subconscious into feeling amazing all the time.

Employing loving thoughts to work for you covers EVERY area of your life:

Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your body? 

• Do you give it food that helps it to perform at it's best? 
• Do you ensure it has enough sleep (as often as you can)? 
• Do you keep it moving and keep it challenged and keep it lean and strong?

 Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your mind? 

• Do you treat it as you would treat another with respect and kindness? 
• Do you forgive yourself when you have treated yourself badly and look to address it in the future? 
• Do you look for the best of your thoughts and concentrate on those? 

Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your soul?

• Do you give it time to rest? 
• Do you give it space to rejuvenate? 
• Do you give it time to enjoy the things that keep it nourished? 

Are you being loving (bringing more life) to your journey? 

• Do you respect the past and know that it has got you here today?
• Do you respect that your life is finite and that it must be lived whilst you have the chance?
• Do you answer the call of your life to move forward and to express itself?

Are you being loving towards your relationships, your friends and family, your work, your hobbies and activities....EVERY single area of life can be looked at in terms of self love and how often and to what level you are choosing a loving thought. 

How often do you choose how you feel by opting for a loving thought about yourself or another instead of a damaging thought? Or are you living by default, not consciously choosing your thoughts about anything but letting them run riot and then having the fall out of the upsetting feelings that result? Most of us have done this for a large portion of our lives so don't feel bad about this or judged by it, just know that there IS a choice, no matter how little evidence of that you see currently.

Is it easy to choose how to feel? Yes and No. Yes, when you get the hang of it...but no it's not always that easy because it does take quite a lot of work and effort to continuously choose our thoughts in order to affect how we feel, the easy option is just to sink into feeling rubbish about ourselves or our lives or to let a train of thought take hold and drag us down until it feels like we have no control at all.

This is the subconscious way of living your life at the moment, it can change into a new subconscious way of being but it needs to become conscious first in order for that change to occur. Much like driving a car, you have to consciously learn the skill first and then you drive automatically without thinking about it much.

We are so used to that cycle of living life at a subconscious level where our thoughts are left unchecked that sometimes that we have forgotten that we have a choice...we can stop thinking that way and choose a more helpful thought, those thoughts will gather momentum in exactly the same way as a depressing or worried or stressed thought does and eventually we gather enough momentum to dramatically affect how we feel.

So in answer to the initial question of how much choice we have over how we feel, we have TOTAL choice. That is not to say that we shouldn't ever allow sadness, grief or worry into our lives, these are signs of love too...but what it does mean is that we never have to stay in sadness for longer than we are willing to, let the sadness live its purpose, let it indicate to you how deeply you feel and then, when you are ready, know that you can choose a new thought that helps you move forward towards happiness again.

To join my Facebook Group Positive Potential and get support and advice, time to share and celebrate and to generally meet some great people please click here.

To find out more about the 10 week Positive Potential programme to end Stress, Depression and Anxiety please go here.

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Love Nova xxx

10 Tips that will Quickly Move you OUT of Stressful Thinking

What is Stressful Thinking? How do we know when we are engaging in it and how can we move out of it quickly so that things don't get worse?!

Stressful thinking is basically any train of thought that is creating a feeling of unhappiness in your mind or body. Not to be confused with uncomfortable thoughts...uncomfortable thoughts are (often) those that challenge us or ask us to look at something in a different way - these are productive, useful and informative - but they can give way to stressful thinking if we get stuck in an uncomfortable thought that we don't know how to deal with.

How do we know when we are engaging with stressful thinking? 

• Do you feel worried about something that you currently cannot change?
• Are you overthinking something to the point where you are no longer able to take action because you are too caught up in the thought itself?
• Are you caught up in past thinking or predicted future thinking?
• Are you feeling anxious or upset by a thought every time it comes into your mind?

These are examples of Stressful Thinking and they are never helpful. That saying 'don't worry it might never happen' is particularly apt here! Stressful thinking triggers the fight or flight response which leaves you in a place where you are unable to make creative decisions - the type of decisions that may change things around for you if only you can relax enough to access them.

So how can you quickly move out of Stressful Thinking and into Creative Thinking?  Here are my tips to do just that!

1) As soon as you start to feel stressed about a concern, a situation, a worry or a person remind yourself that this is just a thought....at the moment it has no power over you...the thought can be changed which will change the situation...it is just a thought.

2) Give yourself a time when you will address this area of concern and put it in your diary, until that time keep telling yourself that you have this under control and do not need to engage in thinking about it until that time.

3) When you have the time sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and write in the middle of the paper the thing that has resulted in you feeling stressed. Around this write down every thought that has come up for you, no matter how small, how huge, how ridiculous you may feel it is...write it down. Then go through every one of the thoughts and rate how likely it is to happen on a scale of 1-10. Take the thoughts that you have rated over a 6 and look at them in more detail - put an action next to them that you can take in the next day or so that will alleviate the stress that you associate with it. 

4) Imagine the best possible outcome for the stressful thought you have and imagine it happening in vivid detail - like a daydream, imagine how you will FEEL when this happens and hold onto this feeling so that it will eventually replace the stressful feeling when you imagine it.

5) Catch your stressful thought when it occurs and ask yourself (outloud if necessary...when you are alone!) 'What would be a slightly better thought than this?' Then think of how you can move your train of thought into a more productive and creative place. For example: if you were stressed about an upcoming house move and everytime you thought of the amount of work you have to do you came out in a sweat...catch the thought that you have prior to the feeling occurring. The thought might be something like 'oh no I've only got three days left and I have so much to do', consciously and deliberately tweak this thought to something that feels slightly better but also believable, it might change to 'three days left, I will start tonight by asking for some help', This changes it from a stressful thought to an uncomfortable thought...one is unhelpful, the other is productive and tells your mind that it can rest because you are taking action.

6) Tell someone - even the most stressful thoughts can be calmed by sharing them with someone. There is something about the act of getting thoughts out of your head and into the open that immediately changes them. You can do the same thing by journalling if you would prefer not to tell anyone (burn the paper afterwards if it is top secret - but still get the thought out of your head and into a different place). 

7) Laugh - not in a cruel or self berating way, but find something about the stressful thinking that is so over the top that you can laugh at it at relieve the stress and find a different way to look at it. 

8) Do a visualisation - when stressful thoughts come into my head I employ my imagination to create little happy people to locate the stressful thought and take it out...literally I imagine the happy people moving into my head and taking the thought (which I imagine as a slow moving, dark coloured lump of mush) and destroying it or transforming it into a lighter, less stressful colour, shape or image. As daft as it sounds it works! 

9) Be mindful - When stressful thinking starts just remind yourself that right here, right now you are fine. In this exact moment you are here and you are ok. Look at something in the room, study it, feel your feet on the floor, your body in the place that it is and notice that you are ok. Right here and right now is the only thing that actually exists...everything else has either already happened and cannot be changed or has not happened yet and therefore maybe never will or can still be changed.

10) Get physical - move your body, relax your shoulders, notice how the stressful thinking has affected your body and change it - we can change both the physical and the mental and because one affects the other you can start with either to effect a different feeling. Go for a walk, stretch, dance, get a massage, make a physical change that will enable your body and then your mind to relax. 

Love Nova xxx

Join my Facebook group Positive Potential for more free support and advice

To book a FREE 30 min Positivity Kickstarter Session with me click here

What Causes Depression and is Knowing the Cause Important?

We all have basic needs as humans and if one of these is not being met it can collapse the foundations of who we are and leave us in disarray and feeling unsafe - a major cause of depression.

What are our basic human needs?

According to Maslow and the Hierarchy of Needs we all need the basics to be covered first - these are the needs of the body - to be clothed, fed, in reasonable health and functioning as we should at a Physiological level.

After this is covered we need to feel safe, then to feel loved and as though we belong, then to love ourselves and feel we are worthwhile and then to take this to the highest level of needs which is to feel that we are 'self actualised' that we are moral, creative beings who are happily creating our lives as we want them to be.

The problem comes when one of these areas is either not being fulfilled or that we are unable to view them as being fulfilled (even if others would think that we DO already possess these things).

Depression often originates at the safety level (although it can also stem from any of the levels at any time if we are not aware of our own triggers). This means that Depression is usually triggered by an event or thoughts that threatens our sense of safety - even if that is only recognised on a subconscious level and even if that sense of safety is not literally being threatened (there is no gun to your head but you still feel afraid for example).

When we have a lack of money, when our job has changed, when we have a new baby or a new relationship, when we have a relationship breakdown, when we move house, when we experience changes to our health - these are all common times at which we can perceive our safety as being threatened temporarily or (depending on how robust the others levels of our life currently are) we may even see safety as being absent completely. This is scary and it leads to scary thoughts that start off a downwards spiral that we need to catch quickly and turn around if depression is to be avoided. This is why those who think positively (either because they always do that or because they have learnt the skill and art of practising this regularly) are less likely to experience depression - they stop the downwards spiral quickly and naturally through various means and various behaviours. 

But what about if none of the above applies to you? Firstly it is important to check whether they are no longer an issue but were still the trigger for the initial emotional changes that led to depression (I cover that later on in the post) and secondly it may be that Depression has been triggered at a different level and we can look at that more now...

As previously mentioned depression can occur when any of the levels in the hierarchy are missing or any element of each level. Have a look at the common triggers for depression below and try to identify where it may have stemmed from...remember that often if depression has been there for a while there can be a whole chain of events that is triggered after the first trigger...what may have started as a sense of isolation may have led to a lack of self esteem, a lack of spontaneity, anger and blame etc, what we are looking for is the initial trigger that started the depression.

Have a look at the list but look at it from the point of view of when the depression FIRST occurred. Think back to when you felt ok and try to ask yourself what happened just before things changed for you...this is your initial trigger.

The common reasons for depression occurring are as follows:

• Loneliness and Isolation 
• Blame and Anger 
• Lack of Control 
• Criticism of self or others
• Complaining & Focusing on the negative 
• Comparison to others 
• Overexposure to negativity 
• No direction, lack of meaningful goals
• Giving in to fear
• Failure to be 'in the moment' - living in the past or the predicted future
• Lack of social support
• Recent stressful events
• Family history of depression
• Relationship problems
• Financial strain
• Childhood trauma or abuse
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Unemployment, underemployment or changing jobs/roles
• Health problems or chronic pain
• Recently quitting smoking
• Death of a loved one
• Inability to effectively deal with stress

You can see from this list that they all refer to a human need that is not being met - in order to feel better you need to meet the need that is missing and this is why knowing the cause can be extremely helpful. You need to know what you are missing before you can fill the gap.

There are of course, some needs that cannot be met in the usual way - for example if depression is as a result of grief, sadly you cannot meet the need of having that person back. The depression will in time and with the right support, give way to a different emotion and many people in this situation divert their depression by putting all their energy into something new that in some way or another that is right for them feels better than the emotions they felt before - perhaps by fundraising, helping others, living life differently etc. I am covering this briefly here not because I don't care about this or think it is not worthy of covering in more depth but because I cannot give it justice in such a short space...if this is something you would like to explore further or get some support with please contact me or look for local support services in your area.

The majority of the time though the causes of Depression can be worked with relatively quickly and easily if you are willing to move forward.

Knowing the cause is the first step, taking action to ensure things change is the next step.

What has been the cause of depression for you? Can you identify it? Is it helpful to you to know this initial cause? What action can you take to address the missing factors in your hierarchy? Do you need some help to identify what changed for you?

To join in the discussion at Positive Potential, the facebook group for those who both support those with depression, anxiety and stress and who explore the issues in a safe place please click on the link and ask to join.

Positive Potential is a self development programme that aims to end depression, stress and anxiety with my support and lots of helpful materials. If you would like to find out more about the different levels of support available please click here.

Love Nova xxx

Is what you are experiencing Stress or Anxiety? You May be Surprised!

Often when I am working with clients they may come feeling 'stressed' or they may explain that they are feeling 'anxious'. What has surprised me and this is why I am writing about it, it that so many times the two are mixed up - someone who is feeling anxious in their words is actually not experiencing anxiety at all but they DO have a very high stress score.

Other times when people come saying they feel stressed the stress score is normal but the depression or anxiety score is high...so why does this happen and what is the difference?

Stress is often used as a catch all term for feeling like you are not coping as well as you used to. You know that something has changed but you are not sure what but you do find yourself acting somewhat out of character or feeling 'not quite yourself'.

To find out what your Stress, Anxiety or Depression score is you can test it yourself here using my slightly adapted version of the DASS scale. The results might surprise you! 

As a quick breakdown of the difference in the symptoms see which of the following set of statements you agree with the most: 

SET 1

• I find it hard to wind down
• I've been overreacting to things I wouldn't normally overreact to recently
• I've felt a nervous type of energy in my body
• I am annoyed whenever I am interrupted from what I am doing

SET 2

• I have been aware that my heart has been racing
• I have been worried about being in new situations
• I have felt on the edge of panic at times
• My mouth has felt quite dry

SET 3

• Getting motivated has been hard recently
• I've found it hard to be positive
• I'm taking a lot of unnecessary risks lately
• I find it harder to make decisions than I used to

If you identify more with SET 1 then you are identifying more with stress symptoms
If you identify more with SET 2 then this is a sign of anxiety
SET 3 is describing signs of depression

You may have noticed that lots of the statements are quite similar to one another - for example feeling a nervous energy in your body and feeling on the edge of panic or feeling your heart racing are all so close in their descriptions that it may be hard to know which it is that you are feeling.

Why is it important to distinguish between them? 

It's not necessarily important - but it can be helpful. If a child has a learning difficulty we generally don't leave it at that, we seek to learn exactly what that difficulty is so that we can help them in the appropriate way and employ the specific tools that work for that situation.

It is the same with your wellbeing - if you know that what you have been feeling is not stress at all but actually depression, some of the ways in which you may approach the journey back to wellness will be the same but others will be different and more specific. It just helps to know exactly what is occurring.

To work with me through my 10wk programme Positive Potential to end Stress, Depression and Anxiety please email me or click through to the website to learn more.

I offer support and help through my Facebook group for free too, why not join and have a look at the amazing people there who are all willing to talk and support.

Love Nova xxx

The Beast that is Depression and how to Tame it

When I had post natal depression I could describe it no other way than to say that it was as though my world had fallen apart inside me.

My logical brain was locked in battle with my depression brain which told me a completely different story to the one that I knew I should be telling myself.

It wasn't helped by comments like 'yeah but you haven't got it as bad as some people have' or 'well you seem fine to me'...of course I SEEM fine I'm doing that for YOU, I'm being FINE so that you don't see the world of sadness that I live in and move away from me.

It's hard in some ways to recall the feelings that I had, I've never had them again with the same force as before...I get 'twinges' now and again but I recognise them now and I do something about them damn quick because what I do know is that I never want to feel that way again.

I remember the fog...the loss of meaning...the loss of hope...the grief over no longer being 'me' or the me I knew before. I remember the feeling that I wished with all my might that I would wake up the next day and feel better again and the resignation when I didn't.

I remember the guilt too because I had this amazing baby, this beautiful boy who slept well, who ate well, who was well and who continues to this day to be completely incredible...how could I, how could I feel so down when I had him in my life? It felt like a total betrayal, I was betraying him to feel that way when he was so wonderful...would he know I felt that way? Would he blame me or feel that in some way he was to blame? Why couldn't I just feel elated and happy and normal and safe?

There were several factors at play for me that pre-disposed me to PND:

• The first was that I had got pregnant (all planned and wanted) very early into a relationship with someone much older who I actually wasn't that sure about.

• I wasn't near any friends or family, I was very isolated and lonely.

• I knew in my heart of hearts that the man I was engaged to was not going to marry me and I was already feeling rejected and hurt by that.

• I had a fairly traumatic birth (my son came out back to back, his umbilical cord was tied in a knot and they had to suddenly get him out very quickly).

• I was still quite young and overwhelmed (I was 24 and I didn't know any other mothers my age).

• We moved to another country soon after my son was born and I was even more isolated.

So what helped me get better?

1) Talking every single day to someone who cared and didn't mind if I had very little to say (my mum called every day).

2) Focusing on helping other mums in the same situation I was in (I started a magazine so that other mums who were feeling lonely could connect and read articles and find out where local groups were running).

3) Forcing myself to exercise every day - a walk with the pram, doing a yoga DVD whilst my son slept, anything I could.

4) My NCT group...although I often felt just as alone when I was with them I met up with them every week and every week I would feel a little bit better.

5) Focusing on how much I loved my child, focusing on making him laugh and smile (because that made me laugh and smile), focusing on his fingers around mine, focus, focus, focus...being just in the moment.

6) Sorting out my diet - I ate less sugar, drank more green tea, took a seaweed supplement and ate less at each meal so I didn't feel too full (that gave me less energy).

7) Never acknowledging that depression had a hold...I always just looked to feeling better and placed my attention on that.

8) Wise words from a friend that I repeated like a mantra 'this too will pass' (it did).

9) Listening to music - loudly and only upbeat music!

10) Meditation - I didn't get it at first, I didn't see the point or feel I had the time. After a while I made the time - I took my son to a childminder for an hour twice a week and used that hour to meditate and feel good again...after a while the meditation turned into the most amazing experience, I still have never felt the same depth of joy as I did after one particular meditation session...It was pretty magical!

Have you ever experienced depression? What helped you? What 'brought you back'? 

If you would like to join my Facebook Group Positive Potential where we support those with Stress, Anxiety and Depression and exchange ideas on how to improve the wellbeing of humans in general, please click the link and ask to join (anyone can join by the way...it's a closed group because I wanted to ensure that anything shared there is not seen publicly, only by the group).

If you would like to find out more about how my Coaching and Psychotherapy services might be able to help you or someone you know, please visit my website Love Living

Love Nova xxx