Our past is no longer there, it doesn't exist...but it is remembered. If our past's have been filled with memories that we struggle to comprehend or forgive, it can have a huge impact on our present and our projected ideas about the future.
What can we do when we are carrying around a bag full of memories that feel heavy and weigh us down to the extent that we are trapped in the belief that our past is so painful that we cannot let it go and it still harms us even now? Is there a way out?
Yes, there is. The simple answer is that we have to be prepared to put the bag down, rifle through the memories it contains and decide which ones we want to keep because they are helpful (maybe because they taught us something very valuable about who we are and what we want) and which we want to leave behind. We need to stop reliving those memories, stop giving them power over us and put them firmly in their place - which is literally and metaphorically, behind us.
So why doesn't it feel this easy?
Because even when something is behind us, we can still turn and look at it and if what we see is compelling enough we stop and stare, we keep staring and keep thinking because it is STILL THERE.
Short of finding a technique where our past is erased completely - and our minds do have such a function which is why trauma is sometimes deeply buried and 'forgotten', the most successful way of working with your past is to look at it and deal with it in a different way.
Sometimes though we don't want to look at it in a different way - we can have thoughts around whether 'forgiving and forgetting' is somehow 'allowing' an experience and making it 'right' which feels uncomfortable.
The first thing to know is that if you are finding it hard to let go of past memories or trauma or don't even want to, that's ok. I read things all the time - little well meaning quotes that say 'hey, just let the past go' but this can only be achieved if you truly want to do this and there are many reasons why a person may not want to - that's ok until it is not ok with YOU - it doesn't matter how many other people cannot understand why you are still haunted by the trauma, it is irrelevant. When YOU are ready or willing to take steps towards forgiveness (and maybe you never will want to) that is the time when the work can start.
So why might we feel like we never want to forgive or 'forget' a past experience that affects our life today even though the experience itself was long ago?
Perhaps this example might help to explain it: Would it be 'right' for us to forgive and forget the Holocaust?
The pain of this event as a global society had to move forward in some way otherwise the generations of those involved that followed would forever more be punished for the sins of the fathers and this is not right either. However could we ever really allow ourselves to 'forget' or to find a positive in this experience and still feel comfortable with our own moral compass?
On the other hand....
Would you stop someone who had actually been through a trauma from moving on? Should the holocaust survivors not be allowed to move on or to reframe their experience incase this was taken as a sign towards their captures that what they did was ok? Viktor Frankl who I mentioned in my last post managed to draw a very important conclusion from his time in a concentration camp that no one is able to take away your freedom of thought - would we want him to only acknowledge the bad and see his book as a terrible sign that captures and torturers should be forgiven?
Perhaps the question then is not 'can I forget' but 'can I find a way to help myself feel better so I can still thrive and enjoy my life whilst also knowing that what happened to me was not ok'.
Looking at the same issue of the holocaust... as a society, we are holding onto this experience as a great learning tool of how deep humanity can sink into behaviour that we are later deeply ashamed of - it pays to hold onto this experience because we want humanity to know that this will never be allowed to happen again.
Does it pay to hold onto this experience as an individual though?
To judge the morality of forgiving and forgetting look at it as you would look upon the situation of someone you love. If your child/partner/mother/father etc went through a traumatic experience would you want them to feel that pain forever? No, of course not. If they were able to find something within the experience that helped them to feel better would you want to take that away from them and say 'hang on a minute, if you are planning on finding the good in this situation, don't you think that makes what happened ok?' Unlikely...You would probably feel that they had actually managed to achieve something very important - they had felt ok again despite what happened and that is something to celebrate and be happy about.
We need to have the same kind of compassion for ourselves. It is ok to let it go, it is a sign to yourself and an example to society as a whole that we do not have to accept being continually punished by an event or by behaviour that is no longer present. Even if it was YOUR behaviour that was traumatic to another forgiveness is an important step in ensuring the behaviour ends.
I realise that this presents another moral dilemma - should we be allowing those who are the perpetrators of traumatic events to forgive themselves? Do we want rapists and murderers to forgive themselves their behaviour and go on to lead happy lives? You'll have to examine that for yourself and come up with your own answers but for me I have to say that on one level at least, it is probably the only way that their behaviour might change...if they never get to a point where they examine themselves fully enough to put their damaging behaviour into the past and move into a new more positive behaviour and actually forgive themselves fully enough to let go of the anger or fear or hatred that began their damaging behaviour then doesn't that mean they will carry on doing the same thing?
So why might we decide to hold onto a past trauma and stay in that possibly extremely painful place for any longer than was absolutely necessary? because we are afraid that if we forgive and forget we become vulnerable and it will happened again...it is a protection mechanism, we stay alert, we daren't make it seem less than it was or to look at the positives incase that increases our risk of inviting the same thing to happen again.
What we need to analyse in order to stop trauma continually hurting us is whether moving forward or staying where we are will be the most beneficial overall - really examine the possible outcomes.
To move on from trauma we ask ourselves these questions as a starting point:
- If you forgive the event is it the same as forgiving the behaviour?
- What would forgiving mean for you?
- What would you have to DO in order to forgive?
- Which harms you more, to hold onto the trauma or to move through it?
- Which feels better - to stay where you are or to try another thought about what happened?
- Has the trauma shown you anything about yourself that feels really good? Did you become stronger for example, more determined?
- Have you closed down as result of the trauma or has it allowed you to open up? What would you like it to have done?
- What would you say to others who are experiencing a similar trauma or who have done? What hope could you give to them?
- If you never experienced the trauma what would be different for you today do you think? The good and the bad.
- If you had your time again what would you do differently that might have affected the outcome?
- What could you do right now that would be a step towards healing?
- Would you want to forget what happened? Why?
- What would forgiving give to you and what would it take away? Which is the better choice for you in terms of creating a happier life?
Can we ever really forgive and forget? Yes we can. Should we? That is up to you...which allows the best outcome for you? Will your life become 'better' or 'worse' if you forgive? Always move into the space which feels 'better', then keep moving into the next space that feels 'even better' than that...continual movement 'upwards' is the key. What does the best life for you look like? Move towards that.
- For continued support please join my facebook group Positive Potential here
- If you would like to have a free half an hour with me to talk more about anything that you are finding it hard to move on from please click here
- My programme Positive Potential is designed to move your life forwards when you have become stuck in feelings of stress, anxiety or depression and you can find out more about it here
Love Nova xxx
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